I have never been more confused about a book than I am the one I just read. Well… technically it’s a re-read but I needed reassurance that this book exists. That this story had indeed been set to paper and that I recalled it properly. Just to put that into context I can recite verbatim poems I read 16 years ago and I still felt the need to double check. What could incite such existential confusion? My first foray into Bizarro Fiction – Carlton Mellick III’s Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland.

Here’s the synopsis:

“They call themselves the Warriors, their enemies call them the Bitches. They are a gang of man-eating, motorcycle-riding, war-hungry werewolf women, and they are the rulers of the wasteland. 

A century after the fall of civilization, only one city remains standing. It is a self-contained utopian society protected by a three-hundred-foot-high steel wall. The citizens of this city live safe, peaceful lives, completely ignorant to the savagery that takes place beyond the walls. They are content and happy, blindly following the rules of the fascist fast food corporation that acts as their government. But when Daniel Togg, a four-armed bootlegger from the dark side of town, is cast out of the walled city, he soon learns why the state of the outside world has been kept secret. The wasteland is a chaotic battleground filled with giant wolves, mutant men, and an army of furry biker women who are slowly transforming into animals. Trapped on the wrong side of a war zone, Daniel Togg makes new friends and new enemies, while uncovering the mysteries of the people living in the wasteland and how they came to be there.”

Holy fucking shitballs… where do I even start? It’s a dystopian fascist future run by the McDonalds corporation – with less heart disease and diabetes than one would expect – as this all powerful government that took over after a massive economic collapse. (The strangest part about this is that I would have expected it to be Disney to take over after society broke down. I would have said Apple and they would have made a great dystopian company but Samsung would have come along and done it better and cheaper.) Sexes are divided in this weird seemingly arbitrary manner. Sexuality is suppressed by higher ups who you are pretty sure have never had sex with someone who wasn’t an intern. Everyone is a drone in the vast endless corporate machine of McDonalds like they are high school kids or college grads who’s dreams have been ground into the dust by the relentless crush of uncaring society.

As a side note this may also be the most depressingly realistic society I have found in a novel.

That sounds batshit enough but it gets more fucked up from here, ladies and gentlemen! For reasons that I will go into in the spoilers section below people are mutating. For the men this means lots of useless appendages growing out of them. Extra arms and such. The basic Futurama sewer mutant package. Women turn into werewolves. I honestly don’t even know how to follow that description. Everything I could say from here on will sound like the ramblings of a madman who’s mind has been broken by learning things man was not meant to know – which some days feels like the inevitable outcome of this blog.

I sincerely don’t know how to criticize this book. I don’t believe I can definitively say whether it is good or bad even in my own subjective view much less an objective one. The story, setting, and characters are all so bizarre that it defies description. Like I could give you a play by play of each chapter and it would in no way impact your reaction as you read the book. Whatever thought process spawned this tale is so alien to my own thoughts I might as well be passing judgment on a debate between Elder Things discussing the singing of the distant stars and what doom that means for the forgotten people of the Nameless City. This book is a Lovecraftian tome. It’s not evil per se but it will fuck you up none the less.

So if you want to experience what it’s like to be on acid or to have your brain be replaced by the sound of a thousand spiders screaming into the void give the book a shot. It’s… an experience.

Spoilers

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…..Ready for more? For the true lurking madness hiding within this twisted monstrosity of post apocalyptic madness and product placement? Alright. Let’s go but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The core of the story and the setting is – as you may have guessed by now – mind bogglingly fucked up. See the wolf women of wasteland fame become more bestial with every orgasm. Allow me to repeat that because I know you just got something crazy in your eye. They become more wolf-like with every orgasm. Becoming less human and larger till they are truly monstrous wolves the size of buildings – and, just in case you were wondering and especially if you weren’t, they never really lose that sex drive. To put that in perspective the men stay themselves and normal sized while the women become giant wolves who don’t necessarily respect a man’s desire to not be used like a dildo. And, no, that was not a figure of speech or a reference to some inherent use of men. I meant it quite literally.

I will give you a moment to stop screaming and if you aren’t screaming just imagine a house sized wolf masturbating using a full grown struggling man. Screaming now? Good! Because that image is seared into my fucking brain forever! It will haunt me for the rest of my life. Years from now I will still be bolting awake from nightmares of oddly moist tunnels and the scent of dog.

Why is all of this happening? Because of a parasite that causes the mutations in the men and the women that got into the McDonalds food. Something the corporation does nothing to fix because – I would go someplace that doesn’t mind screaming for the next mental image. Like a Wal-Mart toy aisle or a political rally – they farm the giant wolves for meat. Doesn’t sound too bad does it? A little light cannibalism. Soylent Green did this shit in the 70s. Except the way they farm the wolves is to manually masturbate them to keep them growing. I am as big a fan of meat as it comes but I draw the line at having to jerk off my cheeseburger.

And what does all of this build up to? A massive pitched battle between the titled warrior wolf women of the wastelands and the army of McDonalds. The English language just took damage from me typing that sentence. There are tanks and giant wolves and a genetically engineered Mayor McCheese being torn apart by a mob like the Ayatollah Khomeini.

I have to end on that note. There is no where to go from that. No joke that can be made. Just a spiraling descent into existential confusion assuaged only by the knowledge that I have inflicted some part of this surrealist nightmare upon another.

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